Voices

I’m NOT Desperate For Sex

A sketch of a woman wearing dangler and a bindi. She is staring straight ahead.
When I moved from the United States to India in 2008, I didn’t have any friends. I was alone, and I was really sad because I felt no one wanted to be my friend. Very quickly, I made friends via Facebook. You know how it is: guys send you friend requests even if they don’t know you in real life; this almost never happened with me in America so I thought they might’ve known me from somewhere – very stupid of me to think that. We started chatting online, and it was really nice for a while, but then it started getting a little bit creepy.

One of my online friends started asking me extremely personal questions, such as: “Are you a virgin?” (This wasn’t really odd for me, but when someone I don’t know and don’t have any intention of flirting with asks me this, it’s a little creepy.) Things got worse, “What’s your bra size?” (How is this relevant to our friendship?) When I wouldn’t answer these questions, he would correlate me being from America with me being ‘easy’ or very free-minded. I suppose this is a stereotype; people that live abroad are supposedly always ready to have sex – it’s a generalization. Things like compatibility, affection, and love don’t matter to those who live abroad – they just want to have sex.

A couple of years later, I got into my first relationship. One of his friends was also on a wheelchair, so I thought my now ex-boyfriend would be really understanding and would respect me. Instead, it turned out to be the opposite. He wasn’t understanding. Nor did he respect my wishes. If he wanted something, he’d always find a way to get it. When we were dating, he’d force me to do things that I didn’t want – sexual things (but thankfully nothing as far as sex). I found out that one of his friends had told him that since I’m on a wheelchair, I’ll be desperate to have sex and I’ll be easy. He had also mentioned that I probably didn’t have many guys interested in me sexually, because of my disability, so my ex would surely end up getting laid.

Why do people assume that wheelchair-bound persons aren’t intimate? Why do people assume that others don’t want to be in intimate relationships with us? Last but not least, why do people assume that we’re desperate for sex? It’s sickening and absurd. If I really wanted to have a consensual intimate relationship with someone, I could. My options do not have any limits. At the end of the day, I am a woman who has needs. But just because I’m from America doesn’t mean that I’ll have sex with just about anyone. Nor does it mean that I’m desperate. I do not need a man with a hero complex trying to save me from my ‘misery’.

I do not mean to generalize the male population. There’s always a bad apple in a basket full of good ones. I suppose I’ve had bad luck with men, because I seem to be picking the wrong people to be ‘friends’ with. I do have male friends that respect me for me, and they do hang out with me without any ulterior motives, and that is truly valued and appreciated. I’m now in a relationship that’s filled with respect and understanding for one another; I’m happy and content with what I have and what I’m doing.

I have a simple request: Women are not desperate for sex, whether they’re disabled or if they’re from a foreign country. Please understand that.

 Featured image credit: Meredith Estes 

About the author

Virali Modi

Virali Modi is a Quora writer, blogger, motivational speaker, aspiring actress, 1st Runner Up of Ms. Wheel Chair India 2014 and a disability rights advocate. Oh, and she forgot to mention that she is disabled, as if that really matters.

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