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10 things to NEVER say while on a first date with an amputee

A comic depicting a young man holding a magnifying glass, and looking expectantly at a young woman, who looks exasperated. A speech bubble above the young man says, "No offence, but..."

In case you’re going on your first date with someone who’s an amputee, please don’t say this stuff.

Incidents on first dates often make for great party stories. Throw a disability into the mix, and the awkward things people say increase tenfold. Just in case you’re going on your first date with someone who has an amputation, here are some things it would probably be better for you not to say… unless you want to be the laughing stock at their next social gathering.

1. ‘No offence, but this is probably your first date ever, right?’

GIF of Anushka Sharma looking bewildered

(Source)

Gurrrl, have you looked at how fine I am? Do you really think you’re doing your social service for the week by taking me out? Quit assuming I haven’t dated before just because I’m wearing a fake limb.

2. ‘No offence, but can you just tell me if you can feel this?’ *Touches fake limb fake-covertly with an expression of slightly too much glee*

A GIF of Anushka Sharma Smiling, with text on it that says "Kill... Me.. Now..."

(Source)

Ummm. Seeing as how you understand that it would be inappropriate for you to touch any part of my body without my permission, it’s slightly weird that you think it’s okay to touch this one. And yes, I can feel it. Creep vibes don’t need a nervous system to travel.

3. ‘No offence, but I’m going to ask a slightly awkward question… Do you keep it on while having sex?’

A GIF of Salman Khan smiling awkwardly

(Source)

Oh dear. Looks like you missed the class on Discretion 101. Don’t people normally talk about hobbies or their favourite vacation spots on first dates? To your credit, you did realise that this was an awkward question. You’d probably have found out the answer if only you’d kept your mouth shut for a little longer.

4. ‘No offence, but could you show it to me? I want to see the mechanics of the thing.’

A GIF of Rani mukherjee staring at someone in disbelief

(Source)

Hi. Face is up here. It’s great that you’re an engineer, like every other guy I’m introduced to, and I’m sure you could build something better. But my idea of the perfect first date does not involve me rolling up one pant leg and my date kneeling beside me, flicking the socket of my prosthetic leg and remarking on its quality, while other guests at the restaurant try not to stare.

5. ‘No offence, but you’re really inspirational yaar. I wish I could do half as much as you. After all, what’s my excuse?’

A GIF of Saira Banu wearing jewelry and dancing. Text on it says "Fuuuuck that".

(Source)

Your excuse me? Here I am, trying to live my life as normally as I can, and you force me onto a pedestal and make me your inspiration? Please – I’m not here to inspire you. All I wanted tonight was some nice fried chicken and maybe a goodnight kiss.

6. ‘No offence, but can you tell me exactly till where your real leg is?’

A GIF of Genelia D'souza smiling knowingly

(Source)

Sure. As soon as you explain to me – in as graphic detail as you can, mind you – exactly what your penis is like, in both its states. I’m sure you wouldn’t have a problem doing that in public, right? *bright smile*

7. ‘No offence, but can you run and play sports and stuff?’

A GIF of Farhan Akhtar supressing a smile

(Source)

I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but there’s this whole sporting event called the Paralympics where people with prosthetic limbs ‘run and play sports and stuff.’ Personally, no, I don’t. Can you, though? Thought as much.

8. ‘No offence, but how many guys are still interested in dating you after you tell them about your disability?’

A GIF of Priyanka Chopra scrunching up her nose and narrowing her eyes. Her lips is pursed and move slightly to the left and right

(Source)

Quite a few; I dare say it’s a higher number than how many girls are still interested in talking to you after your first date with them.

9. ‘No offence, but you know, I wasn’t going to come today. Then I decided I should give you a chance instead of judging you.’

A GIF of Rani Mukherjee with her saree pallu near her mouth, looking happy and gracious about what is said to her

(Source)

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING ME SUCH A BIG FAVOUR I’M SO HAPPY I’M JUST GOING TO PAY MY SHARE AND WALK OUT NOW OKAY BAAAAI

10. ‘No offence, but you’re probably also into those… you know, amputee fetishes, right?’

A GIF of Deepika Padukone dancing and exiting the frame

(Source)

There’s nothing wrong with having fetishes, but having an amputation does not automatically qualify me to be into them. Sorry. This is where I make my exit, boy. Bye, and please don’t call me again.

(And for God’s sake, stop starting all your sentences with ‘no offence’!)

Featured image credit: Upasana Agarwal

About the author

Antara Telang

Antara is a Content Director at LaughGuru, an e-learning platform for kids. In her spare time, she backpacks, illustrates, and leaves feminist comments on Facebook posts.

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