Do what makes you feel alive

A photo of Virali Modi.

What’s more difficult: Loving someone that’s so wrong for you or leaving that person because you know it’s the right thing to do?

What’s more difficult: Loving someone that’s so wrong for you or leaving that person because you know it’s the right thing to do? Honestly, I’m still stuck on that question, even though it’s been three years. I know what was right, I know what I had to do, but I felt empty, because this was one of the most difficult decisions I had to take when I was twenty-one years old.

My ex-boyfriend was a citizen of India but was living in Canada on a work permit, while I am a OCI holder – a citizen of both The United States and India. We met online and realized that we had mutual friends. It was an incredibly small world and that fascinated me. We instantly hit it off, we were in a long distance relationship, but things started getting serious between us quite fast – maybe just a little bit too fast. We fell in love or deep affection, or maybe that was just me. I finally met him in person; I visited Canada twice to meet him and then he decided to spend the New Year with me in America via his visitor’s visa. At this point in time, we were engaged. He proposed to me during New Year’s Eve and everything seemed like unicorns and rainbows, but slowly things started to deteriorate.

He decided he wanted to move to America and start progressing his career – which was a fantastic idea, until he proposed that we get married so that I could apply for a green-card for him. I was so madly in love that I didn’t see any of the warning signs in my imagination, I went along with it. He shifted to America and started living with us until he could get up on his feet. Things started going downhill from here. We kept having arguments over the silliest of issues, when that never happened before, he wouldn’t get along with my parents and would say mean things about them to my face, and he started becoming really secretive.

Things ultimately became so bad that he had a fight with my mom over some petty issue and started disrespecting her. I’m guessing that he was frustrated that the application process for a green-card was not simple, but quite excruciating. That does not give him the right to disrespect my mother. Unfortunately, I was still blinded. My mom and I would have discussions about him and she would convince me to leave him, she was showing me the right way, but I was too blinded. The pressure that I felt from my ex and my mother was intense – I felt as if I was the rope in a game of tug of war, being pulled extensively. It was exhausting.

The breaking point: I spoke to his father on the phone regarding our situation and he indirectly told me that my ex was going to leave me after getting the green-card. I was shattered beyond belief. I knew what I had to do, even though I didn’t want to believe any of it, and even though it was extremely difficult. The next day, I told him to pack his bags and to go stay at his friend’s house. He left a couple of days after, and it was the most horrible thing that I’ve dealt with. I was a train wreck, my tears wouldn’t stop falling, because I realized that he played with my emotions for a piece of paper.

Despite all this, I’m still stuck in a dilemma: What’s harder – loving someone that’s completely wrong for you or doing the right thing. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find the correct answer, but what I do know is that his betrayal gave me immense strength and motivation. The pain that he left me in was used to my advantage, to become something of myself, to do what makes me happy – and till this date, that anger that’s harvested within me helps me fight, it helps me become stronger, and it helps me to understand what’s important; afterall, I’m definitely worth more than just a piece of paper.

Let’s make a resolution this year to do what makes you happy, no matter your age, gender, caste, religion, or sexual preference; do what makes you feel alive. Use any negativity in your life to your advantage, because after all, flowers grow from the ground. Become a flower and unleash your inner colors. Happy New Year and let’s make 2016 all about you and only you!