Incidents on first dates often make for great party stories. Throw a disability into the mix, and the awkward things people say increase tenfold. Just in case you’re going on your first date with someone who has an amputation, here are some things it would probably be better for you not to say… unless you want to be the laughing stock at their next social gathering.
1. ‘No offence, but this is probably your first date ever, right?’
Gurrrl, have you looked at how fine I am? Do you really think you’re doing your social service for the week by taking me out? Quit assuming I haven’t dated before just because I’m wearing a fake limb.
2. ‘No offence, but can you just tell me if you can feel this?’ *Touches fake limb fake-covertly with an expression of slightly too much glee*
Ummm. Seeing as how you understand that it would be inappropriate for you to touch any part of my body without my permission, it’s slightly weird that you think it’s okay to touch this one. And yes, I can feel it. Creep vibes don’t need a nervous system to travel.
3. ‘No offence, but I’m going to ask a slightly awkward question… Do you keep it on while having sex?’
Oh dear. Looks like you missed the class on Discretion 101. Don’t people normally talk about hobbies or their favourite vacation spots on first dates? To your credit, you did realise that this was an awkward question. You’d probably have found out the answer if only you’d kept your mouth shut for a little longer.
4. ‘No offence, but could you show it to me? I want to see the mechanics of the thing.’
Hi. Face is up here. It’s great that you’re an engineer, like every other guy I’m introduced to, and I’m sure you could build something better. But my idea of the perfect first date does not involve me rolling up one pant leg and my date kneeling beside me, flicking the socket of my prosthetic leg and remarking on its quality, while other guests at the restaurant try not to stare.
5. ‘No offence, but you’re really inspirational yaar. I wish I could do half as much as you. After all, what’s my excuse?’
Your excuse me? Here I am, trying to live my life as normally as I can, and you force me onto a pedestal and make me your inspiration? Please – I’m not here to inspire you. All I wanted tonight was some nice fried chicken and maybe a goodnight kiss.
6. ‘No offence, but can you tell me exactly till where your real leg is?’
Sure. As soon as you explain to me – in as graphic detail as you can, mind you – exactly what your penis is like, in both its states. I’m sure you wouldn’t have a problem doing that in public, right? *bright smile*
7. ‘No offence, but can you run and play sports and stuff?’
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but there’s this whole sporting event called the Paralympics where people with prosthetic limbs ‘run and play sports and stuff.’ Personally, no, I don’t. Can you, though? Thought as much.
8. ‘No offence, but how many guys are still interested in dating you after you tell them about your disability?’
Quite a few; I dare say it’s a higher number than how many girls are still interested in talking to you after your first date with them.
9. ‘No offence, but you know, I wasn’t going to come today. Then I decided I should give you a chance instead of judging you.’
OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING ME SUCH A BIG FAVOUR I’M SO HAPPY I’M JUST GOING TO PAY MY SHARE AND WALK OUT NOW OKAY BAAAAI
10. ‘No offence, but you’re probably also into those… you know, amputee fetishes, right?’
There’s nothing wrong with having fetishes, but having an amputation does not automatically qualify me to be into them. Sorry. This is where I make my exit, boy. Bye, and please don’t call me again.
(And for God’s sake, stop starting all your sentences with ‘no offence’!)
Featured image credit: Upasana Agarwal